Blessed & Childless
I played house outside all day and every day. I took my mother’s utensils and bowls, marched to the background; which turned into my home sweet home. I made apple mud pies with the neighbor’s apples that fell in our yard, while all my children (dolls and stuff animals) surrounded the dinner patio table and waited to eat it. I was the best mom they ever had.
With the childhood desire tucked away in my heart, there he was eagerly serving throughout the church. And after years of being in ministry together, we began courting and got married.
It’ll just happen (I said to myself about getting pregnant) and after two years of being married to Adam, it happened, I was pregnant. I was super excited and Adam could not believe it. We talked all day and night about what kind of parents we’d be. I told my mother and my sister. My sister started shopping already, she brought a pair of pink pants, I could tell she wanted a niece.
I didn’t feel well, but that’s to be expected, I’m pregnant. I started bleeding and never stopped. I miscarried.
Wait, what just happen, I did not understand. I felt empty wondering where was God. Wasn’t I a faithful child, God? God, out of all the people on the planet why couldn’t I have my baby with the best husband in the world?
They rallied around me, but I didn’t feel their presence, they comforted me, but I couldn’t feel their touch. I did not understand. “It’s God way of getting rid of the baby because something was wrong with it”, “I had a miscarriage too girl, you’ll be ok”, “Women have them all the time it’s very common”, they said.
Time passed and the Holy Spirit comforted me, and I begin to feel God’s peace.
We had just celebrated the new year weeks before and I told Adam go get a pregnancy test because I was late, he did. It was positive. We were filled with joy but a little nervous based on the past.
The nurse said, “Yup, you’re pregnant!” the doctor will be right in for your exam. She did the exam and then a sonogram. The baby is growing in your fallopian tube, she whispered. You must go straight to ER. I laid there hoping a miracle would somehow find its way in that small ER room. Our child quietly went to heaven.
What are you doing God and why? Adam doesn’t deserve this, he would be the best father. We both cried and prayed. I again let time meld the pieces of my heart together and it brought up questions for us to explore options. Maybe we should go see a fertility specialist— that’s expensive, adoption—I desired to experience pregnancy, or maybe foster care—was I really called and emotionally able. With no decision made, I asked the Lord to teach me to be content and how to abase and abound in this season. Philippians 4:12 I asked Him to remove any covetness from my heart so that I will always love Him even if I/we don’t have children here with us. Hebrews 13:5.
God answered my prayer saying, “I love you my daughter. I’ll take good care of them, stay close to me and be faithful.”
In 2014, we moved to Albuquerque, NM for Adam’s job, away from my family. I found myself feeling sick but not home sick. I quickly found a doctor, and wouldn’t you know it I was pregnant in this new city without family. I laughed because I was now 42 years old and cried because I didn’t want life’s experience to find me, but it did.
This time I was not that overwhelmed and with confidence as small as a mustard seed Luke 17:6 from God. I wanted it, life experiences, having miscarriages to know, that it wasn’t going to define me as unable. I am able to live an awesome life for the Lord with or without children and that God loves me and He’s able to grow me stronger in godly contentment. 1 Timothy 6:6.
I told it that I may never understand why I could not kiss my babies’ cheeks or experience sleepless night, but I do know that God is in control and I was CHOSEN 1 Peter 2:9, to be a witness for such a time as this for women to see a blessed and childless faithful woman of God. And that His Glory will shine in and through me.
My babies are the best children every and the smartest, they are perfect. My babies have the one and true God-Father, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and yes the thoughts of them come and go but they leave me with a content heart.
God just loving up on me and watching me grow.
xoxo,
Katina
What area in your life do you feel discontentment?
Let me know in the comments below.
I pray that God fills your heart with godly contentment.
My dear sister believe that He is enough even when we long for more.
